Category Archives: Humor

6 Pairs of Movie Stars I Get Confused

There are a lot of celebrities out there to keep track of. Sometimes I just get certain celebrities mixed up with others on a routine basis. The gods behind the Internet Movie Database help me clear these errors up but sometimes I still find myself fumbling for the appropriate actor or actress when watching a trailer or commenting to friends.

I know that some of these picks will leave you scratching your head and wondering what kind of fool I am for making such ridiculous errors. Please, don’t murder me in my sleep.

1. Amy Adams and Isla Fisher

I love both of these women. I enjoy their movies, I think they’re both very talented actresses, I get excited when I see them in trailers, and for the longest time I didn’t know which one I was getting excited for. My biggest goof was seeing Amy Adams’ wonderful performance alongside Meryl Streep in Doubt and thinking, “hey that’s that girl I love in Hot Rod! Man, she has such range as an actress!”

This can be forgiven, I think. I mean they really do have a striking resemblance to each other. Nowadays I avoid mixing these two beauties up by remembering that the Scottish darling Isla Fisher is the funny actress in Hot Rod and Wedding Crashers who is married to comic genius Sacha Baron Cohen while Amy Adams is the dramatic actress extraordinaire I love from The Fighter and Doubt.

Although, they’ve recently thrown me a curveball by swapping genres with Adams in The Muppets and Fisher in The Great Gatsby. Those rascals.

2. Dennis Hopper and Dustin Hoffman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two outstanding actors with one major thing in common: talent. I really do apologize for mixing two mesmerizing actors like them up, but I certainly have. I do so mostly when citing their names in conversation. It’s my borderline dyslexia I imagine that jumbles the two “D” first names up.

I distinguish the two more easily these days after having seen Hoffman’s beautiful performance as Ratso (“I’m walkin here!”) in Midnight Cowboy and knowing him from Sam Peckinpah’s Straw Dogs. And as for Mr. Hopper, God rest his beautiful soul, I’ll always remember him as Frank Booth from Blue Velvet or for his cool-defining moment opposite Christopher Walken in True Romance.

3. Jeff Bridges and Jeff Daniels

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Again, I think it’s the similar sounding names that gets me every time. Although it’s interesting to note they have similar acting careers in my opinion and they do look similar to each other. Maybe it’s the hair. Each is very talented dramatic actors who have a wonderful knack for comedy. Jeff Daniels will always go down as one half of my favorite comedy Dumb and Dumber while making news these days on HBO’s The Newsroom. Jeff Bridges is forever stored in my memory bank as none other than “The Dude” Jeffery Lebowksi in addition to his many great roles including his Oscar winning performance in Crazy Heart.

4. Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve brought this mismatch up to people before and they always look at me like I’m crazy for confusing the two but years ago I always thought they looked similar and were in the same types of chick flicks my mom loved to watch, like Hope Floats. I’ve since gotten over this mix up by remembering that Sandra Bullock is the one I don’t hate. I feel particularly bad for this confusion for Ms. Bullock because I really don’t mind her but I don’t care for Roberts at all. I’m not saying she’s a bad actress; she has an impressive career. I’ve just never enjoyed her performance in any movie. Bullock on the other hand is always entertaining and quirky to me.

5. Ethan Hawke and Edward Norton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I used to crack my friends up, saying how I’d be all excited to watch a movie, I’d have my ticket and be sitting in the theatre waiting for it to start, and then I’d suddenly get real disappointed and say, “oh wait that’s not Edward Norton.”

Nothing against Ethan Hawke, I love Training Day and think he’s a solid actor but he hasn’t been in half as many movies that I love as Edward Norton has. Norton has a list of classic performances including American History X, Fight Club (which I’m not a major fan of but I know people love him in this), and most recently his gloriously humorous role in Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdom.

6. Michael Douglas and Martin Sheen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll admit that this is a little silly of me to get confused but there must be something about older actors that gets my thoughts all jumbled up. In reality, there’s not a whole lot I should be confusing with Emilio’s dad and Mr. Catherine Zeta-Jones but I do from time to time. Out of the two, Martin Sheen curries favor because I like more of his movies, in particular The Departed and the saga Apocalypse Now. He’s also the seed behind the spawn that is the ever-winning Charlie Sheen and The Breakfast Clubber Emilio Estevez. Thank you for all your contributions to the world, Mr. Sheen.

“You’re welcome.”
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3 Tips to Avoid Looking Like an Annoying Photographer

 

If I’m honest with myself, I’m not much of a photographer. I’m one of those stereotypical girls (even though I’m a guy) who bought a nice DSLR camera and went picture happy with excitement. Then I noticed what great quality the camera has and mistook that for my photographical prowess and posted those photos like mad on Facebook. I’m proud of a few of those shots and think there’s some glimmer of a good hobby in there if I keep at it. But looking back there are some things that should be avoided to keep from looking like a mediocre beginner. As Scarlett Johansson said in Lost in Translation, “I guess every girl goes through a photography phase. You know, horses… taking dumb pictures of your feet.” Well said, Scar Jo. Marry me.

Please.

1) Don’t Use Bold Personal Logos on Photos

Photographers like to use big, loud self-trademarks on their shots to designate the rightful owner. There are reasons for this; once the photo is posted to the web it can be copy and pasted anywhere or reused at anyone’s leisure. So photographers like to know they’re signature is there for the world to know who captured the shot. Makes total sense. But when you’re putting gaudy logos that are too big or too bright (as I’ve done here) it becomes extremely distracting and dramatically takes away from the quality of your photo.

If you’re going to use a logo keep it very simple and tasteful. Make it blend into a corner of the picture where it won’t be noticed and take away from the beauty you’re trying to convey. After all, everyone hates commercials and ads ruining what they really came to see: the Art. For more help, check out this site’s guidelines.

2) Use Filters Conservatively or Not At All

Instagram is either the coolest, most useful app on your phone (if you’re a teen girl) or it’s an annoying route for people to take crappy pictures and slap a gaudy filter over it. Instagram is neat and all but let’s remember that real photographers don’t usually use cell phone cameras or apps to edit their pictures. So if you’re trying to look like you have a shred of integrity, avoid dumbing down your photos with filters.

As a photographer, you want to avoid looking like the dozens of Instagram photos of food and people’s feet that clog everyone’s Facebook and Twitter feeds daily.

3) Be Selective

If you have a photo shoot, you’ve got an idea, you’ve got a subject, and you’ve got the means of making pretty pictures. You’re going to take an abundance of photos on this shoot because sometimes your lighting isn’t just right, some photos were a little blurred, or the model made a weird face or something. At the end of the day you could potentially have hundreds of pictures. There’s a reason that you shouldn’t post all or even most of these photos to the internet for all to see and that’s because most of them are like ugly babies, they’re only lovable to their creator. Only post the cream of the crop. If you have a problem with designating between which one of your children you want to slaughter, than get a friend with an eye for photos to be a second opinion. Be very selective. You only want to show the photos that make you and your model look good.

“That’s a keeper.”

I’m guilty of violating 2 out of these 3 tips and this is one of them. My first photo shoot I posted just about every blurred photo, every angle multiple times, and every downright bad shot I had because I was so jazzed up to show all of my Facebook friends. The result was less than savory.

When venturing into the wonderful world of amateur photography, remember that you’re not only as good as the expensive camera you use. Keep your photos tasteful and professional and set yourself apart from the rest of the girls’ feet shots. Make your feet photos look awesome!

 

Feeling like Patrick Bateman Every Time I Shave, Exercise, or Dress Nice

 I find it interesting how society loves bad guys. The same way Jimmy Conway was the kind of a guy that rooted for the bad guys in the movies, men have idolized villains for generations. For example, there are swarms of urbanites walking around with black and white Tony Montana pictures on their shirts. There are dozens of rappers referencing Scarface, which is a prime example of nothing other than an immigrant suffering an early death after experiencing short lived success as a drug kingpin.

It’s fun to fantasize about the bad guys. They live by their own rules, answer to no one, and are seemingly devoid of society’s rules. While most of us are slaving away at jobs we hate, taking shit from people, and just barely scraping by in life; it’s easy to see why we enjoy watching a character that doesn’t do any of these things on the big screen.

I’m no different. I happen to hold the main character from American Psycho, Patrick Bateman, as played by Christian Bale, in high regard. I have realized that I think about Bateman when doing normal things like shaving, maintaining personal hygiene, exercising, and dressing. I use the characteristics of this lunatic as a way of motivating myself to stay in shape and look my best. I’m aware of how odd it is but I think the outcome is worth the strangeness.

When I exercise in my bedroom I take regular breaks between sets to look in the mirror and examine the tightness of my muscles, often marveling at myself as Bateman would. It helps keep me going. It helps me to break through the barriers of finding the time or motivation to exercise each day.

Can you blame me for trying?

After a vigorous exercise, a shower is in order. My American Psycho fixation does not leave me as I take joy in scrubbing my body and exfoliating my skin. When I shave I often think of Bateman’s tips on shaving which I cannot recall precisely from the novel, but are somewhere along the lines of always shaving in the direction the hair grows, saving the chin and sideburns for last in order to let those tough hairs soften, and to not use any alcohol based aftershave because it makes you look older. In fact, I’ve often mentioned not doing things for fear of it making me look older.

“I don’t work very hard on Sundays because it makes me look older,” I’ll say.

I would love to find a face wash that has to be peeled off after use.

Patrick Bateman’s meticulous narration of his attention to detail in dress is in the back of my mind whenever I wear a tie. When I go to restaurants and see a sign proclaiming its “Zagat Rated” I make sure to reference it to my girlfriend.

When I go to networking functions for my film gigs I’m always at a disadvantage for not having a business card. When I began looking through Vista Print’s templates, all I could wonder is why I couldn’t find a nice simple bone color. And I surely was going to put the title of “Vice President” under my name if I could.

   As weird as it is to go about my day thinking of myself as the murdering, womanizing, psychopathic Pat Bateman, I refuse to stop. It gives me a reason to take care of myself. And if staying in shape means preferring to refer to my gym as a “health club” then don’t try and stop me. But if I start looking in the mirror rather than my partner when making love, I’ll admit to having a problem.

Right back at you, Patrick.

7 Guys With Awesome Jackets

Having recently watched (and loved) Nicolas Winding Refn’s film Drive, which I reviewed here, I walked away from the movie house with one thing burning in my mind: Man, Ryan Gosling wore one cool jacket. I’m a guy that can appreciate a good jacket. I’m kind of like Kristen Wiig’s parody of Suze Orman from Saturday Night Live. There’s something about a coat that has always been a prime display of masculinity. In Sin City, claiming a man has a nice jacket is choice fighting words. What follows is evidence that the right jacket is the main difference between super cool tough dude and totally lame douche bag.

1. The Driver in Drive


 That silver metallic coat with gold scorpion on the back was such a strange addition to Gosling’s character that it leaves the viewer digging for meaning behind it and the character wearing it. That coat was one of many throwbacks to the wonderfully gaudy 1980’s. It’s also prime evidence that an article of clothing can make a character. A scene with a guy kicking a dude’s head to mush or lingering a hammer over a bullet pressed to a man’s skull wouldn’t be quite as memorable if the attacker wasn’t wearing such an odd jacket.

2. Fonzie in Happy Days

It’s become pretty clear that if you throw a leather jacket on you’ll probably look awesome.

Unless you're this guy.

The leather jacket was a household image of cool thanks to one man and that’s Arthur Fonzarelli, a bad boy who could all at once bust out a mean dance, knock out a few thugs, save Richie Cunningham’s ass, and make a girl neck with him with the snap of a finger. And to think, producers of the show originally didn’t want him in a leather jacket because it symbolized debauchery. They initially had him in a very not-cool blue windbreaker. Thankfully this changed by season 2 or else it is quite possible the Fonz would’ve never caught on the way he did.

3. Sailor Ripley in Wild at Heart

Not one man on this list cares more about his jacket than Nic Cage when he asks Laura Dern, “Did I ever tell ya that this here jacket represents a symbol of my individuality, and my belief in personal freedom?” The snake skin jacket is given a ton of screen time for its obvious awesomeness.

4. Mad Max

A leather biker jacket is the cornerstone of a bad ass. This spot was kind of a tie between Mad Max and Rob Halford.

I think we picked the wrong guy.

5. Elvis

Elvis was the King of Rock N Roll and excess. And nothing screams excess like a hip swiveling good, shiny, gold jacket!

6. Nazis

Don’t get me wrong, Nazis were total dicks. That being said I don’t think they deserve to wear the cool uniforms that they had. Those rad garments are better suited for a much cooler solider not so hell bent on racial purification.

7. George Washington

When you’re the Original Gangster of the free world, best believe you’re going to dress in style. GW, and we ain’t talking Bush, wore a blue jacket to kill red coats and that’s how it’s done, son.

3 Encounters with Creepy Guys

Men. Am I right, ladies? (I, the author, am a male. So don’t start dong bashing or pig calling just yet.) Today I stumbled across a little gem that was scotch taped to the side of a locker in a man’s working area.

The locker, tucked away in a corner, had one side that would rarely be visible to anyone who wasn’t inching towards the back of the room, and on this side featured a little escape from the work day. Let me explain, this locker is located in the boiler room of a middle school. The only person who would regularly frequent Ashley and Shana, the two Trentonians as the newspaper clipping proclaims, would be the maintenance man that keeps a desk down there. He, who is shut away in a dingy boiler room reminiscent of that in Nightmare on Elm Street, who is possibly ridiculed daily by punk kids with pimple faces; may just need a little distraction from all the hustle and bustle of his busy day.

Even Snake needs a distraction when hiding in lockers from Russian terrorists

The myth is that men think about sex every seven seconds. But any man might tell you titties that this is highly inaccurate Scarlett Johansson and that us fellows have much more important things Edith Bunker lying under blankets with Archie on our minds than pointless fantasies every few moments Saved By The Bell (when they’re older, not the Indiana years, weirdo.)

However, this did get me thinking. It’s definitely no secret that there are guys out there making these images of the “Sex Starved Male Psychopath” very real for those around them. Some of these guys are obnoxious tools with probably little more on their mind then how quickly they can get voted “Most Likely to Die from STD’s” or “Father of Most Bastard Children.”

If you've ever have used the acronym ‘DTF’ when speaking to a woman then you probably classify.

But others are a little more subtle in their need to spew hetero banter like it’s a virus needing to be detoxed from the body. And sometimes these guys wait for another guy they presume is likeminded enough to banter back obnoxiously in an open environment.

These are their stories…

Just kidding.

The Regular

I accepted a promotion at a movie theatre in New Jersey when I came across this guy. He was a regular at the low-volume theatre. The first time I met him and took his order he used a fake accent. I was a bit put off by the interaction, you know, the way anyone would be when someone is talking to them in an obviously fake accent.

I feel weird.

To make matters worse, he spoke at a barely audible tone except every now and then I’d be able to pick up a curse word. Not directed towards me but more like, “I’m just kidding I don’t have a fucking accent.”

Otherwise the transaction was relatively painless. After he left, seasoned employees told me the guy came around often and would talk to associates for hours, often mentioning how he used to work at the theatre. When talking to female employees he was known to get wildly inappropriate.

One day he returned, saw a movie, and when he was leaving, stopped and talked to the associates. When I returned about an hour later he was still around. I joined the conversation looking to see if he needed to be removed. One of our female employees walked past, his eyes followed and his sentence trailed off. The second she was gone he leaned in to me whispering, “man, she looks just like Lexi Belle.”

I had to ask who Lexi Belle was. Not to say I’m some higher-than-thou dude. I mean, I can name my fair share of adult film actresses. But this particular video darling was not somebody I was familiar with.

The Regular responded first with a smirk, then with a gyrating thrust from his hips. I nodded and looked around my building uncomfortably hoping there weren’t any guests shielding their children’s eyes from this middle aged man’s air humping.

When I noted that the coast was clear I informed him that the girl of the discussion was only 16 years old. This did little to faze him as he exclaimed false surprise, seemingly more to quell my disdainful tone then to cover up his pedophilic folly.

The Male Cheerleader

Living my life in an apartment has always brought one particularly rotten activity: doing laundry at a Laundromat. Laundry itself is just boring as fuck. I’d rather go grocery shopping with Casey Anthony than spend two hours at a Laundromat.

HER: "We could kill EVERYBODY!" ME: "Calm down, Casey."

I’ve also spent much of my life scrambling to do my errands midnight or later due to an inherently poor sleeping pattern modeled after that of a baker’s or graveyard ghost watcher’s schedule. So I’d say most of my clothes have been washed in the middle of the night.

One night I was loading up the washer and dumping precious quarters into the machine when a guy in his mid-twenties rolled in to do the same. I nodded and he took the simple gesture as an invite to begin…

...being creepy!

He claimed he was new to the building and from out of town so he asked about some area bars and such. I’ve noted this is often used as a lead into hormone-fueled sex talk. First, he noted my high school wrestling t-shirts being laundered. Asking if I played any other sports, he eventually told me he was on the cheerleading team back in high school.

I smirked and gave a trademark, “oh yeah?” Always sounding pretty intrigued but usually barely following along with the conversation.

He said in addition to male cheerleading being a great source for college scholarships, it was also a great way to get a free ride…in vagina.

"Tryna smush?"

Having been from out of town, I imagine this guy didn’t have any buddies to talk to yet because he was spilling his guts to me like a bad actor in an Eli Roth film.

"Hey!"

The Ex-Male Cheerleader even told me about his neighborly quarrels with the people downstairs. They protested to him making noise all the time. So in an attempt to get back at them, (and maybe impress me, a kid he just met in the Laundromat) he would have wild sex with his girlfriend, who apparently shrieked louder than Axl Rose and slammed headboards harder than your mother last night.

I'm genuinely sorry about that last part.

The Lonely Guy

Here’s another wildly fascinating tale from my movie theatre job. (If you’re getting sick of these stories, I’m sorry. I work there a lot and have to try to pick some kind of humor out of my meaningless time there.) Years ago, when I wasn’t being a bo$$ in upper management and people were still not yet using dollar symbols in place of the letter S, (she used to just be “Kesha” until those music industry fat cats corrupted her) I was a teenager working ten hours a week if I was lucky, sweeping up popcorn.

One shift, while I was assigned to a wing of theatres designated for late-run movies, independent films, and anything not expected to perform solidly; I was approached by a gentleman inquiring information about one of the films.

The film he was seeing was The Quiet, which if you haven’t heard of it (and we all know you haven’t) stars Camilla Belle as a deaf mute and Elisha Cuthbert as a girl getting sexually abused by her father. So basically, it was a hot movie for a lonely guy to turn into masturbation fodder later on, right? That’s what this guy thought I guess.

Being an indie movie lover and a kid with a lot of free time, I made it a point to use the one privilege I had and see as many free movies as possible. The Quiet was something I’d seen in an empty theatre its opening weekend. No more than a few moments into my plot description, I was saying how this girl’s parents just died, and The Loner cuts me off asking, “is she hot?”

I was visibly shaken by the question and could only fumble over my tongue in a slur of uh’s. The Loner, perhaps noting that he was treading on uncomfortable grounds, retracted claiming he was only kidding. So I continued about the story to which The Loner wondered if there was any nudity.

“Surprisingly no,” I said in retrospect of how many awkward sex scenes were laced through the movie but none of which featured nudity.

“Eh I’ll check it out anyway,” he replied. “Thanks anyway.”

The Loner turned and vanished into the dark depths of the vacant movie house, probably to use his buttery fingers from the fistfuls of popcorn he was feasting on, to relax his mind in privacy with his images of Cuthbert and Belle.

I stood there for a moment, staring at the theatre door, taking in what had just happened. As I continued sweeping up popcorn, I knew that a little piece of my adolescence had slipped away.

Bow-wow-now…doo doo.